Bunissima

Deci, apply, rinse, repeat, apply, rinse, repeat, apply, rinse repeat… you get the idea, if I state it like so: nu se termina niciodata si ochii tai incep sa iti roteasca fata cam in aceeasi directie cu care masina de splalat isi face treaba aia centrifuga.
Si din nou deci, pentru ca asta e un fel de parodie autodeclamata de propriul limbaj care serveste in fond la a demasca o tragi-comedie moderna si fara intoarcere, deci, cum spuneam, asadar si prin urmare, grecii fac comert pe mare. E vorba de un sens foarte larg al cuvantului “greci” la fel cum si “mare” inseamna uneori “mare distanta.”

Nu stiu de ce numai grecii faceau comert pe mare, dar se pare ca in ultimul timp toti sunt greci intr-o masura oarecare. Tu, eu, ‘coana care vinde legume, supermarketurile, agentiile de publicitate. Acum toata lumea face comert si acesta devine din ce in ce mai inteligent in a te convinge ca ai nevoie de tot ce exista pe lumea asta din magazin, de la standul de cosmetice, de la bricostore. Si daca ai un frigider care nu e indeajuns de impresionant si mare, poti sa faci un credit pentru nevoi personale, pentru ca poti si problema e rezolvata. E ca un fel de eu cu cine votez? tu cu ce echipa tii? tu cu ce marca tii, tu fara ce nu poti sa traiesti?

Dar domnilor, astea sunt doar niste mofturi pe care toata lumea le trece cu vederea, tinand ochii pe jumatate inchisi si plimbandu-se cu cosul prin supermarket.

Exista insa probleme stringente, mult mai serioase, care nu pot fi trecute cu vederea. Una dintre ele este celulita. Nimeni nu poate sa doarma noaptea din cauza celulitei. Este o problema nationala, intenationala, globala, planetara, u-ni-ver-sa-la.

De aceea exista un nou produs, nu spun cine il produce (ca nu-mi amintesc) ca sa nu fac reclama, care te va scapa de griji. Tot ce trebuie sa stii este ca acesta contine lipocafeina destocanta care iti va destoca toata celulita datorita proprietatilor extraordinare ale lipo-cafeinei. Ce o fi aia lipocafeina, nici eu nu pot sa spun. Important e ca ea de-stocheaza grasimile printr-un proces de cafeinizare a lipidelor care incep sa se arda singure intre ele. There. Asta e explicatia. Si acum toti la magazin. Vine vara.

Si cu aceasta ocazie, tin sa anunt pe toata lumea ca voi lansa si eu o noua linie de produse anti-celulitice pe baza de radacina de gard si ceai verde. Se va numi probabil ceva de genul “Exorcise with green tea” iar principiul care ii sta la baza e chiar simplu: extractul de “ceai verde+radacina de gard” va patrunde prin pori, va ajunge in sange si va arde grasimile. Va intrebati probabil cum se va intampla aceasta minune care va revolutiona industria carnii… Well, e simplu. Patrunzand in sange, cafeina in combinatie ultra-supra-extra-hiper-speciala cu radacina de gard va avea asupra utilizatorilor un efect de energizare incredibila care ii va face sa vrea sa faca sport fara sa stea sa se mai gandeasca la cat de lene le este, asa cum se intampla inainte. In consecinta celulita va disparea pur si simplu, fara prea mare efort, errrr, psihic.

Would you buy that? Which one?

This is an old card I have found in my family’s “archive”. It was used during the communism to measure the food you got, mainly the bread, flour and oil. The people who lived in the contry side were forced to give either milk, eggs, meat and fruits alltogether, or cereals, depending on what people were cultivating and growing in different areas.

You could’ve gotten each month one kilogram of flour (= 2 pounds), one of oil, and the same with sugar and maize. I also find out that in the cities you could have gotten 5 slices of real salami per month. Really?

Make no mistake, there were things to buy… like milk, beggining with 4 or 5 am in the morning, because if you got there later you risked of being milkless for your indolence. On the other hand you could just come and stay there with a chair from the evening before or late at night so you be the first on the line when the milk is on the race.

And powdered egg. And… pig heads, that must have been a real feast. And soy salami, why, you all need to be vegetarians cause we tell you to. If you did not turn vegetarian because you could only eat soy salami, you would definately do it because of refusing to eat the pork heads. Maybe some pork legs would do. Or, as people called these pig feet, Adidas. The name compensates for the lack of style. Oh, and a bread a week. Really, no you need to go on a diet, the diet of all people that are equal.

Same things, from a different angle:

My great grandfathers lived in the country side. So did my granma, with them. There was so little food sometimes that they wouldn’t know what to eat. One day, while she was sowing the ground, my great grandmother caught a deer by the foot. It did not run, it did not make any noise. That was a good thing, because you were not allowed to hunt. Not even kill your own livestock, whithout announcing Big Brother, except for pork. And people were afraid anyways to do too much. They ate the deer. They told us kids, just in case someone would ask, that it was a pork they had cut. They burried the skin so that not even dogs would find it.
To make a living my grandma was making tuica (she would sometimes exchange tuica for food). At that time it was illegal to do it without approvals or just illegal, I don’t remember exactly. And since the officialities could not get their presumtion confirmed from grown up traitors, they thought to ask the kids. I can remember even now the tall imposing policeman that asked “Is your granma making tuica?” while we were looking up at him for the dwarf-sized kindergarten chairs. I ignored him. My littler sister, just a kid of 3, could not defend herself, even if the teacher was insisting on him to leave us kids alone. So my sister admitted that it was true. The officialities never knew about this. The policeman had suddenly become a good friend who came to visit often, to pick up his payment.
I don’t recall too much more. All I really remember is seeing the pork head and thinking it was so disgusting. And that soon after the revolution you could buy oranges, without actually having to wait for 3 hours in a line while making room with your elbows. That was enough for me as a kid to understand that something was better. Plus the school vacation, wich suddenly got bigger!

De ce de fiecare data cand ninge inima imi palpita cu o bucurie copilareasca? E ceva ce aproape nu pot sa controlez, pentru ca in secunda urmatoare stiu ca nu mai sunt copil, ca nu ma mai dau cu sania si ca nu mai am nici o bucurie in a sta uda pe afara toata ziua, de dragul de a ne juca toata gasca de la bloc cu zapada in toate modurile posibile. De cate ori nu ne duceam acasa plangand sau razand, ochind de fiecare data usa pe care aveam sa iesim dupa ce ne vom fi schimbat pe fuga…

Este si acum ceva magic in zapada si atunci cand ninge parca totul e mai placut si mai proaspat. Nu pot sa concep Craciunul fara frig sau zapada, precum cei din emisfera cealalta, si totodata stiu ca m-as fi adaptat fara sa imi pun vreo intrebare daca as fi trait acolo. Insa aici se intampla sa ninga in iarna cu Craciunul. Si atunci cand ninge, parca intri intr-o oaza seculara de liniste, cu arbori albi si inghetati, nisip cu reflexii de ploaie de stele, si cu ape adanci de cer rece-ntunecat.

We are all some sort of parasites. It’s just that some are beautier than others.